{"id":201,"date":"2011-05-20T12:56:05","date_gmt":"2011-05-20T11:56:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/?page_id=201"},"modified":"2011-08-15T17:11:18","modified_gmt":"2011-08-15T16:11:18","slug":"questions-answers","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/?page_id=201","title":{"rendered":"Questions & Answers"},"content":{"rendered":"

What is domestic violence?<\/strong><\/p>\n

HARV believe that domestic violence includes physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called ‘honour crimes’. Domestic violence\u00a0 may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently ‘violent’.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My boyfriend has hit me a couple of times recently. What can I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are a number of things you can do. Firstly, you may want HARV or your local police force to report the assault. You may be able to file a report of what has happened with them without them actually taking any action against your boyfriend at this stage. This could then be used as evidence in the future if necessary.<\/p>\n

If you have any injuries it would be a good idea to see your GP and tell them about what has happened. This will be treated confidentially. Your GP can make a note of what happened on your medical records, which could be called upon if you require evidence of what has happened in the future, if you decide, for example, you need a non-molestation injunction for protection, or if criminal proceedings are ever brought against him.<\/p>\n

You can contact HARV directly to speak to somebody for support and a listening ear, or if you feel you need to get away from home for a while.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My partner says that the abuse is my fault.\u00a0 Is this true?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s extremely common for an abusive person to say this. It\u2019s just another form of abuse, and because he doesn\u2019t want to take responsibility for his actions. Domestic abuse is never the fault or responsibility of anyone except the abuser. Your partner is an adult and makes a choice about the actions he takes. He could choose to walk away from the situation but instead he chooses to be abusive. Whether it\u2019s physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse or emotional abuse, it\u2019s completely unacceptable.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Will my partner change?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible for abusive people to change their behaviour. However, it\u2019s very difficult to change and so isn\u2019t very common. If your partner has promised to change before and then has resumed his abusive behaviour it\u2019s likely that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately what usually happens in an abusive relationship is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity. If your partner is serious about changing his behaviour then he\u2019ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also important to remember that changing this type of behaviour will take time and effort.\u00a0 If he attends a few sessions and then announces that he\u2019s \u2018cured\u2019, this is unlikely to really be the case. The best perpetrator programmes provide support for the partners and ex-partners of perpetrators, and they\u2019ll be able to give you further information and support.<\/p>\n

You might want to take a break from the relationship while he seeks help. During the time that he\u2019s dealing with the reasons why he\u2019s abusive, many issues will be brought to the surface. This could increase the intensity of the abuse for a period of time. For this reason, you may want to consider how to ensure your own safety, and that of any children you may have, during this period.<\/p>\n

If your partner is still in any way blaming you for the abuse, then it\u2019s clear that he hasn\u2019t accepted full responsibility for what has happened, and while he\u2019s still saying this, his behaviour is unlikely to change.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How can I help my partner to stop hurting me?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your partner is the only person who is responsible for the abuse. Consequently he\u2019s the only person who can change what\u2019s happening. It\u2019s only natural to want to help someone that you are in an intimate relationship with and it can be difficult to realise that this isn\u2019t really possible. If in some way, he blames the abuse on your actions then this shows that he\u2019s not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. It\u2019s likely that if you change aspects about yourself or your behaviour in order to appease him, he will eventually find some other \u2018reason\u2019 to be abusive towards you.<\/p>\n

If your partner wants to change his behaviour, then he\u2019ll need to seek help either through his GP or through a service specifically for abusive men<\/a>.<\/p>\n

You can take positive action yourself \u2013 for example, by removing yourself from the situation, reporting his abuse to the police<\/em><\/a> so that he\u2019s held accountable, or using legal means to prevent him from being able to hurt or harass you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t happen all the time and when he isn\u2019t violent he\u2019s really nice to me.\u00a0 Is this really abuse?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a misconception that an abusive relationship is violent all the time. If a partner was violent and abusive all the time and from the outset of a relationship, you\u2019d be unlikely to get into a relationship with him \u2013 or to stay with him very long if you had. This is what makes it so difficult for women to walk away from an abusive relationship. Often a woman doesn\u2019t want the relationship to end, she just wants the violence to stop. However, unless he\u2019s addressing the reasons for his violence towards you, remember that it\u2019s likely to happen again.\u00a0 Unfortunately what usually happens is that the abuse increases both in frequency and severity over time. It might help to talk to someone<\/a> who help you look at your options.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My husband has never hit me \u2013 but often shouts at me and calls me awful names. Is this abuse?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, what you\u2019re describing is domestic abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are both classed as domestic violence. This behaviour is not acceptable and you don\u2019t have to put up with it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My partner always shouts at me and accuses me of \u2018being up to something\u2019. Things got so bad a couple of weeks ago that he started to harm himself in front of me. I think he did this to frighten me and it\u2019s worked but what can I do now to help him?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Unfortunately the behaviour that your partner is displaying isn\u2019t uncommon amongst abusive men. You\u2019re right in thinking that he wanted to frighten you. What he\u2019s doing is manipulative and also incredibly emotionally abusive as he\u2019s trying to make you feel in some way responsible for his self harm. Remember that you are in no way responsible for any of his actions.<\/p>\n

There are various options for your partner if he wants to seek help for his behaviour.\u00a0 However, he will have to seek this help for himself and nobody can make him do this. Only if he accepts full responsibility for his actions and admits that he needs help will any agency be able to offer him assistance. If he does this he could seek help from a number of organisations<\/a> including HARV.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

What\u2019s the best way to gather evidence about emotional abuse?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Firstly, we would suggest that you see your GP and tell them about how you\u2019re feeling. If the GP keeps notes of this visit and or offers a referral to counselling etc, this may be something you can use as evidence. If you call HARV and give us express permission to make a record of the call, containing any notes on how you\u2019ve been affected by your partner\u2019s behaviour, this may be called upon as evidence.<\/p>\n

It may be useful for you to start keeping a record of the emotional abuse that you\u2019re experiencing. Note down the time and date, what was said, any threats he makes and if anyone else was present at the time. Keep any abusive text messages, emails or voicemail messages, as this information will really help when you come to discuss your situation with a solicitor.<\/p>\n

If other people have witnessed any of the emotional abuse then their testimony could also be used.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My husband is very possessive. He constantly phones and emails me when I\u2019m out of the house. He doesn\u2019t like me seeing my friends or family and he checks my text messages when he can. He says it\u2019s because he cares. Is this normal for a relationship?<\/strong><\/p>\n

This possessive behaviour isn\u2019t normal in a loving relationship. It\u2019s a form of controlling behaviour and is all part of the pattern of an abusive relationship. It sounds as if there is a real danger of you becoming isolated if he continues to prevent you from seeing your friends and family. If a person really loves and cares for you they would want you to be happy and to have lots of supportive friends and family around you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My last three relationships have been abusive \u2013 why do I always get involved with abusive men?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to remember that the abuse is in no way your fault or responsibility. Often the abuse doesn\u2019t become apparent until quite far into the relationship, so a woman would not recognise that the man was going to turn out to be abusive. Quite often an abusive relationship can be very intense at first and what may actually be possessive and controlling behaviour could be misconstrued as passion and love. If a woman has recently come out of an abusive relationship, this flattery and intense attention could be very attractive and the thought of someone \u2018looking after\u2019 you could be extremely appealing. It\u2019s only further down the line that the reality of the relationship becomes evident.<\/p>\n

Whilst not wanting to build up too many emotional barriers around yourself, it might be worth having a think about potential warning signs in a new relationship. Examples might include things moving very quickly early on, him wanting you to spend all of his time with you, discouraging you from going out with friends or seeing family, him being jealous and possessive and him wanting to read your text messages or emails. Whilst of course these things don\u2019t automatically make him an abuser, they are things that could alert you to be a little more on your guard.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My abusive boyfriend says he will kill himself if I leave him. What should I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is an extremely common threat for an abusive person to make. It\u2019s incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive, and is totally unacceptable. He is using emotional threats and abuse in order to control your behaviour. He thinks that by saying this he can prevent you from doing anything about the abusive relationship that you\u2019re in.<\/p>\n

The reality is that this is usually an empty threat. Of course this could not be guaranteed, but it\u2019s important to remember that he is the only person that is responsible for his actions. If he were to harm himself in any way you wouldn\u2019t be in any way responsible for that.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My partner won\u2019t let me see my family or friends, and he monitors my phone calls. How can I get him to change?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Recognising that this behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable is a positive step forward.\u00a0 He\u2019s being incredible emotionally abusive towards you and is attempting to control your behaviour. However, he is the only person that can decide to change his behaviour. It\u2019s likely that at the moment he doesn\u2019t recognise his actions as being wrong in any way. Unless he admits that he has a problem and then seeks help to address it, it is unlikely that this will change. In fact what generally happens is that this pattern of abusive behaviour increases in frequency and severity over time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m being forced to keep everything meticulously clean. My partner goes mental if I put a foot wrong. He\u2019s just being over-excessive, but it\u2019s like walking on egg shells. What should I do to get out of the spiral we\u2019re in?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your partner is making completely unreasonable demands of you. The situation that you describe sounds like part of a pattern of abusive behaviour that would be classed as domestic violence. It sounds as if he\u2019s very controlling of you and reacts unreasonably when you do something that he doesn\u2019t like. The truth is that even if you adapt your behaviour to cater for his moods, it\u2019s likely he\u2019ll find something else as a reason to be abusive towards you. Unless he acknowledges that his behaviour is unacceptable and takes steps to do something about it, the situation is unlikely to change. Perhaps you could have a think about what you are getting out of this relationship and whether it\u2019s time to assess whether or not you have a future together.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My husband and I get into fights but then he\u2019s so nice and apologetic afterwards, and I always forgive him. Is this ok to do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

This really depends on how the relationship makes you feel. What are the \u2018fights\u2019 like? Is he physically abusive towards you? Does he shout at you, put you down and call you names?\u00a0 What is the rest of the relationship like? Is he quite possessive and controlling of you?<\/p>\n

Another thing to think about is that even though he says sorry, does it always happen again? This kind of inconsistent behaviour can be very confusing as it\u2019s difficult to know where you stand. If he really is sorry then it would follow that he should want to do something to address his actions. If he takes full responsibility for his abusive behaviour then it\u2019s up to him to take steps to change.<\/p>\n

Whether you want to continue with this relationship has to be your decision. Perhaps you could think about whether or not you\u2019re afraid of your husband. Are the fights becoming more frequent or more extreme? Are you finding yourself adapting your behaviour in order to pacify him? These could all signal that the abuse is getting worse and that you may be in a dangerous situation.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My husband puts me down and calls me names all of the time, he says I\u2019m a bad mother and that I\u2019m going mad. I\u2019m starting to believe him and I don\u2019t think I can cope any more.\u00a0 What should I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

What you\u2019re describing is emotional abuse. This verbal abuse and mental torture is classed as domestic violence and he shouldn\u2019t be allowed to treat you this way. You\u2019re not going mad. This is a very common thing for an abusive person to say. He\u2019s trying to undermine your self-esteem and make you feel that you\u2019re reliant on him. Remember that you are not in any way responsible for what\u2019s happening. He is abusing you and you don\u2019t have to accept it. You would probably feel a lot more able to cope with life if he wasn\u2019t constantly putting you down.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s completely normal to feel the way that you\u2019re feeling when you\u2019ve been experiencing this level of consistent emotional abuse. You may want to consider visiting your GP to talk about how you\u2019ve been feeling. If you tell them the situation, they can make notes on your medical record and this could then be used as evidence should you need it in the future. If you want to end the relationship, you could think about taking out an injunction against him to make him leave the house and stay away from you.<\/p>\n

Alternatively you could seek emergency accommodation to get yourself and your children out of this abusive situation.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re not ready to leave the relationship then you could still contact HARV to get emotional support whilst the relationship continues<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After recently marrying I\u2019ve moved in with my husband\u2019s family. My mother-in-law is\u00a0 psychologically abusive towards me. She calls me names, insults my family and has now blackmailed me into wearing traditional Asian clothes. I don\u2019t want to live like this \u2013 what should I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The way that your mother-in-law is treating you is completely unacceptable. You have the right to live your life the way you want. Making you wear clothes you don\u2019t feel comfortable in and insulting you is emotionally abusive.<\/p>\n

If your husband isn\u2019t supportive of you, you may want to consider how you feel about the relationship if it means that the abuse from your mother-in-law is going to continue. Whether you decide to leave or continue in the relationship, you can access support from HARV.<\/p>\n

HARV have a Urdu and Punjabi speaking IDVA worker.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My brother in law bullies me and has harassed, abused and attempted to attack me while I was seven months pregnant. I constantly feel under threat because of his bullying.\u00a0 I want to find out what help is available to me and how?<\/strong><\/p>\n

You can be protected by both criminal\u00a0and civil law<\/a>. He shouldn\u2019t be able to harass you in this way, and any attempted physical attack is against the law. If he has ever sent you any abusive messages it would be useful to keep them as they could be used as evidence. If you\u2019ve ever spoken to a doctor or health visitor about the abuse this could also be used as evidence. It\u2019s helpful to gather as much evidence as possible so that you can start to build a picture of what\u2019s happening.<\/p>\n

Under the criminal law, he could be prosecuted for offences involving fear of violence and criminal harassment. You don\u2019t have to wait for an actual physical attack to take place in order to take action against him. You could contact the police<\/a> and tell them what\u2019s happening and they should take it very seriously. If you contact the police, ask to speak to someone from the domestic violence unit. These specially trained officers are used to dealing with similar cases.<\/p>\n

For protection under the civil law, you could apply for a non-molestation order<\/a> (an injunction) to prevent him from continuing this harassment. You\u2019ll need expert legal advice to arrange this. Breach of a non-molestation injunction is a criminal offence. Rights of Women publish useful resources which could help you in terms of understanding your rights and the law.<\/p>\n

If you feel in danger in your home you may want to think about seeking emergency accommodation.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My adult brother is harassing me. He\u2019s been threatening to kill me for 20 years now. How can I make him stop?<\/strong><\/p>\n

This has been happening for a very long time now and unfortunately, if he\u2019s not taking action to address his behaviour, it\u2019s unlikely to stop. Making threats to kill is an arrestable offence so you could contact the police<\/a> about it. It\u2019s understandable that this is a big decision and it can be especially difficult when it\u2019s a family member that you\u2019re reporting. Try to remember that any trouble he gets into will be a result of his actions not yours. You\u2019re not in any way responsible for what\u2019s happening, and so you wouldn\u2019t be responsible for any consequences that happen as a result of his threats and intimidation.<\/p>\n

You could also apply for a non-molestation order<\/a> (an injunction) to prevent him from continuing this harassment.\u00a0 You\u2019ll need to seek expert legal advice to arrange this. Breach of a non-molestation injunction is a criminal offence.<\/p>\n

If you feel in danger in your home you could move into emergency accommodation.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My son is being very abusive towards myself and my other children \u2013 what can I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

To some extent, this depends on the age of your son. If he\u2019s under 16, you may want to try and find help \u2013 perhaps from Social Services or your GP. Social Services have a duty to help you protect your other children from harm and they may be at risk while he\u2019s in the home. It\u2019s the Social Services\u2019 responsibility to carry out a needs assessment under the Children Act\u00a0 if he is under 18. If you\u2019ve already gone to Social Services and they have said they\u2019re unable to help, make a note of the individuals\u2019 names that dealt with your case and, if possible, get it in writing.<\/p>\n

Parental responsibility applies only up to the age of 16, so if he\u2019s above that age, legally you can evict him from your property (i.e. the next time he leaves the property, don\u2019t let him back in, and change the locks), without your getting punished for it. You can also get an injunction to prevent further harassment or to exclude him from your home. It will help your case if you have some suggestions as to where else he can go.<\/p>\n

You could also contact the children and young peoples team here at HARV. We have specialist support workers that can help your son work through some of his learnt behaviours.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m 20 years old and I live at home with my parents.\u00a0 They won\u2019t allow me any freedom at all.\u00a0 I\u2019m not allowed out to see friends and they threaten me all the time.\u00a0 My father has even hit me on a couple of occasions.\u00a0 I can\u2019t live like this any more.\u00a0 What can I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The way that you\u2019re being treated at home is completely unacceptable. You\u2019re an adult and should be allowed the freedom to live your life the way you want. The threats and the violence are against the law and so you do have the option of involving the police. It\u2019s understandable that when the abusers are your family members this can be exceptionally hard and so you may not wish to involve any authorities. This is entirely your decision.<\/p>\n

HARV can help you to get out of this situation if you feel that it is time for you to leave. You could access refuge accommodation away from your family in a place where you would be safe from harm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m an 18 year old Asian woman and my father has recently found out that I\u2019ve been in a relationship with a man from outside our culture.\u00a0 I\u2019m fearful for my life as he says I\u2019ve bought shame upon the family.\u00a0 What can I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n

As you\u2019re in fear for your life it\u2019s important for you to think carefully about the best thing to do for your safety. You can access refuge accommodation<\/a> in a place where your father won\u2019t be able to find you. It\u2019s important that you go to an area where your family doesn\u2019t have connections so that it would be very difficult for him to locate you.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s understandable that when the abusers are your family members this can be exceptionally hard and so you may not wish to involve the police or any other authorities. This is entirely your decision.<\/p>\n

Whether or not you decide upon any of these courses of action, HARV \u00a0can offer you emotional support and can perhaps help you think through what you want to do.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is domestic violence? HARV believe that domestic violence includes physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called ‘honour crimes’. Domestic violence\u00a0 may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"parent":28,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"page-full.php","meta":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/201"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=201"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/201\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":217,"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/201\/revisions\/217"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/pages\/28"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.harvoutreach.org.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=201"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}